The Romantics

A few mintues back, I finished reading "The Romantics", Pankaj Mishra, his life around Benaras. Though there is no explicit though provoking by him, but it is a grim reminder of what life I am leading and what I wish to live.

Its been such a long time, when I had thought of visiting Benaras, of getting away from this complicated maze of competitve world, where we do not see ourselves as human being, individuals worthy of their own perspectives and views about life, but a mob, thinking alike, dreaming alike, of becoming more and more prosperous(richer) and in turn do what someone else had done to achieve these goals. We tend to forget that there was a time when we dreamt of things quite differently, when we wished to do things which gave us satisfaction. Our jobs, our career, our self engulfing life, the malls, the fancier things have sorrounded us, both externally and internally. We do not have time to reflect upon ourselves, to feel and touch ourselves, we have just become salesmen, selling ourselves to the higher bidder. We had started living our lives as adviced by the Advertisements. Getting bigger TV, bigger Car,bigger and fancier Refrigerator would give us happiness, would provide for a happy family, as guarantted by the ad-mens. And to achieve this happiness we keep working harder and harder, and keep remembering of the good old days, of satisfied and calm life, of happiness and warmth, but all this would vanish soon under the new thought of mundane pleasure and life would get back to the gyrating circle.

I had such a thought of visiting Benaras, had so many such thoughts for such a long time, but I just kept dreaming that one day I would accomplish them, but wanted financial security before I persue them, had family responsibilities etc and kept waiting and waiting. Now that I am a married man, it seems even more remote.But even when I had this strong desire, to break off all rules and get away from this place and search for some solitude, I had this fear which would grip me. The same fear which gripped Samar(the protagonist), when he saw Mark in Dharamsala. This fear that what I aimed, by breaking all rules, was wrong or stupid. What if it was just an act out of despair to get away from this monotonous cycle of life. This fear would be so strong, so intimidating that all my enthusiam would vanish.

But this novel has given me a new way of thinking about life I have been leading, of experiencing things which , though are so common but so full of their own mysteries.

I dont know when and how, but I have this conviction that one day I would be able to break the rules and live a life which I have been so passionate to lead, for so many years.