Couple of Good Ones !!

A dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady's teeth. He noticed that she was a little nervous, so he began to tell her a story as he was putting on his surgical gloves... "Do you know how they make these rubber gloves?" She said, "No, I don't have any idea."
"Well," he spoofed, "down in Mexico they have this big building set up with a large tank of latex, and the workers are all picked according to hand size. Each individual walks up to the tank, dips their hands in, and then walks around for a bit while the latex sets and dries right onto their hands! Then they peel off the gloves and throw them into the big 'Finished Goods Crate' and start the
process all over again."
And she didn't laugh a bit! Five minutes later, during the procedure, he had to stop cleaning her teeth because she burst out laughing. The old woman blushed and exclaimed, "I just suddenly thought about how they must make condoms!""

***********

There was a software engineer, who used to develop programs on his Pentium machine, sitting under a tree on the banks of a river.
He used to earn his bread by selling those programs in the Sunday market. One day, while he was working, his machine tumbled
off the table and fell in the river. Encouraged by his childhood story of the lumberjack and axe, he started praying for the river goddess.
River Goddess wanted to test him and so appeared only after one month of rigorous prayers. The engineer told her that he lost his computer in the river. As usual, the Goddess wanted to test his honesty. She picked up a match box and asked Is this your computer ?.
Disappointed by the Goddess’ lack of computer awareness, No replied the engineer. Then she picked up a pocket sized calculator and asked if that was it. Annoyed by this, the engineer said No, not at all and also thought of educating the Goddess about computers.
Then she picked up his Pentium and asked if it was his. The engineer, left with no option, sighed and said Yes ! and took his machine.
The Goddess was happy for his honesty and was about to give the previous objects also to him.
But even before she could make the offer, the engineer asked the Goddess, Don’t you know that you should show me some better omputers, before bringing up my own ? Goddess, apparently angered at this, replied, I know that, you stupid donkey! The first two things I showed you were Millennium and Trillennium,the latest computers from IBM and disappeared. The Pentium followed her.

************

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks
into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the
girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up
and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his
wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He
probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't
complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he
nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry,
he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas
whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute,
and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the
bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

*************

I urgently needed a few days holiday, but because I never had any leave due to me, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take a few days leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "Mad" then he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises.
My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing ? I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was "Mad" and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing ?"

I told him I was a light bulb. He said "You are mad - take a few days off".

I jumped down and walked out of the office.

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her "...And where are you going?"

She said "I can't work in the dark !!!!"

***************

Maria had just gotten married and, being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was very nervous. Her mother reassured her, "Don't worry, Maria, Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you. Meanwhile, I'll be making pasta." So, up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest." "Don't worry, Maria," says the mother, "all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you." So, up she went, again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants, exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!" "Don't worry, all good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you." So, up she went. When she got there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot, he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!" "Stay here," says Mama, "and stir the pasta."

**************

A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he
decided to send an e-mail to his wife.
However, he accidentally typed wrong e-mail address, and without realizing
his error, he sent the e-mail.
Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from
her husband's funeral. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting
messages from relatives and friends.
After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into
the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which
read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've reached
Date: 16 May 2002
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and
you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones.
I've just reached and have been checked in. Everything here is professionally managed...the gatekeeper, the beautiful help desk executives, the maids....

I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing you then!
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
Thanks!